Who or what in your life is making you feel different, or causing you stress today? Who do you feel is controlling you now? (Step 1 continued)

I don’t mean any resentment toward Fletch when I say this, but he stresses me out sometimes. It’s probably obvious to most people that whatever you see on social media doesn’t usually include the meltdowns, the spit-up, the poop, the drool, the uncertainty over needs, the feeding issues, the physical therapy, the anxiety over milestone-reaching, the crying, the screaming, the fussing, the sleep issues, the (parental) back-ache, the clutter, and the otherwise relentlessly dependent squishy-beautiful-frustrating-miraculous-exhausting-truth. Most parents would also probably agree with me that the list I’ve just mentioned barely scratches the surface of the kinds of things we can become stressed about.

Okay, okay—I’m supposed to be talking about myself and Step 1.

Dearest Fletcher—Happy Almost Five Month Birthday to you! You stress Mommy out. And Mommy hasn’t even mentioned her stress level over whether or not you could turn out to be a vampire.

I guess the most stressful thing about being stressed about Fletch is that I know from experience that it’s impossible for a person to actively hunt and like oneself at the same time. And I deeply just want him to grow to love himself. I deeply want him to be happy. At the same time, I have no control over what path he takes. I can be honest with him and tell him about how the disease runs in our family. I can share enough of my experience to hopefully give him some insight on the suffering I’ve experienced and that others have experienced because of me. I can share what I know about how the first signs of the disease appeared in me, so he knows some things to look out for.

For one, if you are going to be a vampire, your first taste of blood will seem like an answer to a long-lost prayer. It will seem like the word “finally” has manifested in your life. It will take the edge off if that’s what you needed; it will intoxicate you if that’s what you think you were missing. Whatever or whoever it was that ever broke your heart—if you are a vampire, blood will wash away the pain. That is now you know you’re a vampire. At first, the blood loves you back.

Apologies. I’ve gotten off track.

Anyone else stressing me out? I think I’ll take that up in my next entry. The answer is yes, but it’s 9:00pm and I’m already sleepy.

When did you feel powerless over someone or something?

Are we talking about now, or before recovery?

Before recovery, I don’t know if I was even aware of whom or what I was powerless over. I was always so busy trying to control others and my surroundings. I can look back now and say I was in fact powerless over other people and things, but I don’t remember ever consciously feeling that.

Nowadays, I feel powerless—or at least am brought to acknowledging my powerlessness—over people and things a lot of the time. In most cases, it starts with something negative happening and I find myself in a foul mood. It could be when I struggle and anguish over the disturbance that I can’t change someone else’s perspective unless they want my help changing it. Or sometimes I look back on the past with regret, and the only thing that feels better is to admit that there isn’t a thing I can do to change it.

I remember when I went to rehab and I thought meeting the younger vampire guy there meant something magical, spiritual, and destined. As it turned out, that was my ego doing all of the thinking. In the end, I couldn’t keep his interest. At the same time, I couldn’t turn my then-husband into a human. He was a true vampire and seeking help was never an option for him. Trying to expose him to the Union culture would always backfire and make for more resentment. Living in recovery while living with an actively hunting true vampire is a recipe for disaster, and I knew it. So I left.

I wish I could have done the right thing without hurting anyone. I wish I could have survived without leaving my first marriage. I wish I’d have acted differently with the hot-shot in rehab, because I ultimately embarrassed myself to the extreme. But those are all things I can’t change. I’m powerless over how I’ve acted in the past.

Step 1 Questions

1. How did blood control you? How and when did you really feel powerless over blood?

Blood was the first thing I thought about when I went to bed, and the last wish before bed. I only hoped I could have the pleasure of going to bed blood-drunk. Blood controlled me because it kept me from seeing humans as anything other than a means to an end (my own satisfaction). Blood drove my decisions, large and small. Being an active hunting vampire meant that blood was my lifestyle. It controlled who I connected with, and it controlled who I avoided.

I finally felt powerless over it when I came to a point of accepting that I was just going to be a fiend for life. I had all these things I wanted to accomplish as a human: art, music, writing. But with immortality, you can’t think like that. The immortality of the vampire becomes the main focus—the only thing that matters. Slowly, I accepted that I was going to be a nobody as a human so I was better off accepting my life as a vampire and continue the drudgery of blood lust, hunting, blood hangovers, and remorse coming from whatever human spirit remained within.

One of my last hunts before recovery involved taking out a child. I knew I was powerless because deep down, I really didn’t want to do it. But I did it anyway.

Powerless over:

How long Fletch will nap

The weather

Vampire triggers/references in movies, social media, TV

People, places, things, and other vampires

Whether Fletch will become a vampire

Baby gear recalls

The NFL season and college basketball

My friend’s cancer treatment and prognosis (to be discussed in this blog later)

When Jedd gets home from work each day

Hunting flashbacks and blood fantasies

The Past