Who or what in your life is making you feel different, or causing you stress today? Who do you feel is controlling you now? (Step 1 continued)

I don’t mean any resentment toward Fletch when I say this, but he stresses me out sometimes. It’s probably obvious to most people that whatever you see on social media doesn’t usually include the meltdowns, the spit-up, the poop, the drool, the uncertainty over needs, the feeding issues, the physical therapy, the anxiety over milestone-reaching, the crying, the screaming, the fussing, the sleep issues, the (parental) back-ache, the clutter, and the otherwise relentlessly dependent squishy-beautiful-frustrating-miraculous-exhausting-truth. Most parents would also probably agree with me that the list I’ve just mentioned barely scratches the surface of the kinds of things we can become stressed about.

Okay, okay—I’m supposed to be talking about myself and Step 1.

Dearest Fletcher—Happy Almost Five Month Birthday to you! You stress Mommy out. And Mommy hasn’t even mentioned her stress level over whether or not you could turn out to be a vampire.

I guess the most stressful thing about being stressed about Fletch is that I know from experience that it’s impossible for a person to actively hunt and like oneself at the same time. And I deeply just want him to grow to love himself. I deeply want him to be happy. At the same time, I have no control over what path he takes. I can be honest with him and tell him about how the disease runs in our family. I can share enough of my experience to hopefully give him some insight on the suffering I’ve experienced and that others have experienced because of me. I can share what I know about how the first signs of the disease appeared in me, so he knows some things to look out for.

For one, if you are going to be a vampire, your first taste of blood will seem like an answer to a long-lost prayer. It will seem like the word “finally” has manifested in your life. It will take the edge off if that’s what you needed; it will intoxicate you if that’s what you think you were missing. Whatever or whoever it was that ever broke your heart—if you are a vampire, blood will wash away the pain. That is now you know you’re a vampire. At first, the blood loves you back.

Apologies. I’ve gotten off track.

Anyone else stressing me out? I think I’ll take that up in my next entry. The answer is yes, but it’s 9:00pm and I’m already sleepy.